Mom & Me Four Archive

    I'll write more later; it's been an interesting, busy, day, despite it's late start for Mom, and I think this is going to be a spectacular Mother's Day weekend for her, much to her and my surprise, including the arrival and the beginning of our watching Elizabeth R; a brand new, spectacular hair style based on Mom's admiration for one of the Queen's hairstyles in the Elizabeth R video; another surprise I hope to be able to locate, the idea for which occurred to me when I was doing her hair; the reintroduction of one of my favorite movies which has become upon it's viewing tonight, again, one of Mom's and my favorite movies, Searching for Bobby Fischer; a finalization of the menu Mom would like for Mother's Day meals; a possibility that I might actually be able to get her out to at least one of the grocery runs tomorrow.
    More, much more tomorrow, but I've got to get to bed tonight as my day will begin very early, in about 6 hours.
    Later.

...in the light of Constance Adamoapoulos' plight, about the phenomenon of the Monster Caregiver. Obviously, Monster Caregivers are made, not born. The circumstances that make them are, I think, usually either unintended or so quotidian as to be unnoticeable until one of us caves or becomes bitterly judgmental of other caregivers. Not all Monster Caregivers become unsympathetic towards our colleagues, nor do all Monster Caregivers display the fraying of bitterness. Some are relentlessly cheerful, dismissing all they do with a wave of the hand, implying, and sometimes saying, that if they can do it, anyone can.
    The truth is, almost anyone can do Monster Caregiving for awhile without becoming bitter and/or judgmental of other caregivers, the length of time depending on one's spirit, proclivities and sense of self-in-the-world. Constance inadvertently alludes to this when she admits: "'I try not to let myself think about it...because I don't know what I'm going to do. I just have to take it day by day.'
    "That's because she has no way of knowing how much longer she can hold herself and her family together."
    Ms. Adamapoulos isn't yet in the Monster Caregiver danger zone. Not all caregivers who are presented with monstrous caregiver circumstances enter the danger zone.
    Interestingly, there is a seemingly innocent word slip in the segment that clearly defines the present U.S. attitude toward caregiving and betrays the reason why becoming a Monster Caregiver is a risk that all caregivers run in this society (innocent word slip bolded and italicized): "Donna Schempp works for...the Family Caregiver Alliance...[and] warns that taking care of Mom or Dad is becoming a universal issue: 'You either are a caregiver, will be a caregiver or someone will be caring for you between now and whenever you die,' Schempp says."
    The word "warns" says it all: As a nation we're afraid of the possibility of having to take care of anyone but our children (and, in many ways, we're afraid of taking care of our children). Why are we afraid? Well, who wouldn't be afraid of circumstances like those of Constance Adamapoulos?
    There are so many things we need to do and attitudes we need to change to make this country caregiving friendly; strategies we need to invent and implement to keep people from finding themselves enmeshed in the Monster Caregiver Culture. With hope, attention and luck, what we perceive as The Looming Caregiver Crisis may, in fact, be our best opportunity to change caregiving from a zone posted with red lettered warnings to, hmmm, to the place where we all go to give and receive the love that gets us through our lives.
    Serendipitously, I overheard something interesting on the Dr. Phil show Mom watched tonight. I have no idea what the subject of the show was but at one point Dr. Phil said, "We create what we fear." Understand, I don't believe this is a blanket truth, nor is the truth of it as simple as the statement. What I can report in regard to my caregiving experience is that, although I was never afraid of the possibility of being my mother's companion and caregiver, I was, for the first few years, afraid of taking over her business and managing her medical affairs. I swore, in fact, both to Mom and to the people with whom she engaged in the business of her business and the business of her health, that I would never do either. The funny thing is, the fear didn't stop me from taking over when it was necessary, nor did it stop me from figuring out ways to handle both areas of her life with inspiration, determination and chutzpah. Finally, it didn't stop me from feeling both grateful and pleased that I was forced to become manager of both these areas of her life. If anything, the fear actually performed a service: It kept me from taking over the management of areas of her life until it was absolutely necessary, thus allowing her to operate on her own behalf as long as possible. These experiences cause me to conclude that, while I think it's entirely possible that our national fear of caring for our elderly and infirm is a large part of the reason why we are a Caregiving Unfriendly Society, it will be the urgent necessity, which is developing now, of facing our fear of caregiving head-on, diving in and doing it, all of us, that will also lead us out of The Mire of Caregiving we've created, drain its swampiness and turn it into a garden of rich, moist, supportive soil designed to nurture the felicitous personal development of each of us, even those of us who are confirmed isolationists.

    Test results for yesterday's blood draw are up and it looks as though all the woman needed was a little dab more of iron. Although she is still looking a bit anemic for Prescott, she's within limits all the way for Mesa and I have hopes that we'll be reaching limits for Prescott off and on within the next few months.
    Needless to say, I'm thrilled! I'll be entering more later today, especially regarding an appointment we have up here with an organization that may be able to provide my mother with more stimulation and movement than I'm capable of providing (or, for that matter, than she's willing to accept from me). Mom's copacetic about the possibility and has agreed to "try" it, assuming that today's appointment goes well and the resources meet with her approval. I've talked her into at least trying it a few times, regardless of what her initial impressions are today.
    As well, I've got the monthly review for her doctor to do, which will probably take me most of the afternoon, but I'm expecting to have some time today to take care of all that and post a little about how things have been going here.
    Later.

...the very short, pithy stories on adult children taking care of their elderly relatives on CBS News this week. I think the last installment is this evening. The most haunting and disturbing installment so far has been one entitled The Sandwich Generation, which profiles a woman who runs her own business, parents a two year old and cares for her 86 year old mother and her 88 year old uncle. Interestingly, "She says she was spending so much time caring for everyone but her husband that he moved out." Shades of something I wrote in the Caregiver's Day essay.
    It would do everyone, and I do mean everyone, good to read the verbatim text of the article (linked above in the first paragraph) or watch the video provided at CBS's website.
    I only hope this woman is one of those Monster Caregivers of whom I previously wrote with reckless disdain. The gods know, she needs to be a Monster Caregiver, not just to handle her load but because, folks, when she ashes out, we all fall down.

...I have some praise for NFCA. I received my second newsletter from the organization on Saturday. What a difference from the first I received and the hard copy materials sent to me upon registering! It was packed (as much as a 16 page newsletter can be) with articles that I actually found interesting that I believe would be valuable to caregivers:

• A lengthy, detailed article on how to make the most of doctors' visits;
• A lengthy, detailed editorial on environmental factors (with much emphasis on Medicare) that make caregiving so hard, ways in which organizations refuse to recognizing the role of family caregivers, complete with a call to action for both caregivers and communities to recognize and stand up for caregiver rights;
• A surprisingly detailed first person account of caregiver burnout and what one person did to attempt to alleviate some of it; included is a description of the writer's perception of the difference between caregiver burnout and depression, both of which the author has experienced;
• Yet another 'scare tactic' article citing a study indicating "substantially increased risk of death" to an elderly caregiver "when a spouse is hospitalized or dies", which I forgive, considering that these studies are valuable but should be pressed upon the community in order to initiate active involvement in seeking out and helping caregivers, rather than using them to scold caregivers into attempting to perform on their own behalf at an even higher level than they are barely managing;
• An interesting NFCA program called Lotsa Helping Hands which provides personal website space for a "coordinator" (usually the caregiver, I imagine) to list volunteers they've found and coordinate their help, complete with a calendar and an automatic notification service.

    Believe me, despite how it may seem when I rip into a program or service, I am capable of more than criticism. I believe that both praise and criticism are necessary in order to encourage high levels of performance from 'helper' organizations. I am more than pleased to mention that NFCA is capable of recognizing that detailed information on all aspects of caregiving, both positive and negative, is necessary; that "personal empowerment" can often mean that organizations seek out and offer both information and services to caregivers, rather than expecting them to do it all themselves; and that self-advocacy is often not only beside the point but adds frustration to one's life when one's family and community refuse to make themselves aware of the caregiver situation within their own borders and turn away from obviously needed support.
    I feel better about NFCA. I'm not taking back any of my criticism [most of which is contained in the following posts: 1; 2; 3]. I think it's necessary for the entire group of organizations that purports to help caregivers. But I'm more than willing to recognize when an organization steps up to the plate and looks beyond caregivers to the families and communities within which each of us serves our care recipients.
    Kudos this month, without reservation, to NFCA.

    Not that I'm feeling bad or particularly stressed, mind you. I just got sick of reporting everything and decided to take a break. I caught up on The Dailies this morning. Nothing unusual or spectacular, although I've decided to take it easy on BP readings, as Mom is doing well in this area and monitoring her BP is the most irritating to her of the stats I take.
    The weather is warming up nicely but remains windy, except for one day when I was able to get her out to "look at the yard". Informal chair exercises, movies, TV and reading, both silently and aloud have been her main activities. We've both been in good moods, despite my lowered sites.
    Over this unreported period of time we discovered HBO's Elizabeth I which has fascinated Mom. After viewing the conclusion last night Mom announced that she wanted to stay up and "talk about it". So we did, including remembering the BBC series that ran in the early 1970's, Elizabeth R. After she retired I checked to see if either series was available on DVD, as Mom expressed an interest in watching both these productions again. The old series is available, although I can't determine whether it includes Closed Captioning or any other type of captioning. I'll be ordering it for her for Mother's Day.
    Blood Draw Day will be tomorrow.
    More to report in separate posts immediately preceding this one.