Mom & Me Four Archive

...in the light of Constance Adamoapoulos' plight, about the phenomenon of the Monster Caregiver. Obviously, Monster Caregivers are made, not born. The circumstances that make them are, I think, usually either unintended or so quotidian as to be unnoticeable until one of us caves or becomes bitterly judgmental of other caregivers. Not all Monster Caregivers become unsympathetic towards our colleagues, nor do all Monster Caregivers display the fraying of bitterness. Some are relentlessly cheerful, dismissing all they do with a wave of the hand, implying, and sometimes saying, that if they can do it, anyone can.
    The truth is, almost anyone can do Monster Caregiving for awhile without becoming bitter and/or judgmental of other caregivers, the length of time depending on one's spirit, proclivities and sense of self-in-the-world. Constance inadvertently alludes to this when she admits: "'I try not to let myself think about it...because I don't know what I'm going to do. I just have to take it day by day.'
    "That's because she has no way of knowing how much longer she can hold herself and her family together."
    Ms. Adamapoulos isn't yet in the Monster Caregiver danger zone. Not all caregivers who are presented with monstrous caregiver circumstances enter the danger zone.
    Interestingly, there is a seemingly innocent word slip in the segment that clearly defines the present U.S. attitude toward caregiving and betrays the reason why becoming a Monster Caregiver is a risk that all caregivers run in this society (innocent word slip bolded and italicized): "Donna Schempp works for...the Family Caregiver Alliance...[and] warns that taking care of Mom or Dad is becoming a universal issue: 'You either are a caregiver, will be a caregiver or someone will be caring for you between now and whenever you die,' Schempp says."
    The word "warns" says it all: As a nation we're afraid of the possibility of having to take care of anyone but our children (and, in many ways, we're afraid of taking care of our children). Why are we afraid? Well, who wouldn't be afraid of circumstances like those of Constance Adamapoulos?
    There are so many things we need to do and attitudes we need to change to make this country caregiving friendly; strategies we need to invent and implement to keep people from finding themselves enmeshed in the Monster Caregiver Culture. With hope, attention and luck, what we perceive as The Looming Caregiver Crisis may, in fact, be our best opportunity to change caregiving from a zone posted with red lettered warnings to, hmmm, to the place where we all go to give and receive the love that gets us through our lives.
    Serendipitously, I overheard something interesting on the Dr. Phil show Mom watched tonight. I have no idea what the subject of the show was but at one point Dr. Phil said, "We create what we fear." Understand, I don't believe this is a blanket truth, nor is the truth of it as simple as the statement. What I can report in regard to my caregiving experience is that, although I was never afraid of the possibility of being my mother's companion and caregiver, I was, for the first few years, afraid of taking over her business and managing her medical affairs. I swore, in fact, both to Mom and to the people with whom she engaged in the business of her business and the business of her health, that I would never do either. The funny thing is, the fear didn't stop me from taking over when it was necessary, nor did it stop me from figuring out ways to handle both areas of her life with inspiration, determination and chutzpah. Finally, it didn't stop me from feeling both grateful and pleased that I was forced to become manager of both these areas of her life. If anything, the fear actually performed a service: It kept me from taking over the management of areas of her life until it was absolutely necessary, thus allowing her to operate on her own behalf as long as possible. These experiences cause me to conclude that, while I think it's entirely possible that our national fear of caring for our elderly and infirm is a large part of the reason why we are a Caregiving Unfriendly Society, it will be the urgent necessity, which is developing now, of facing our fear of caregiving head-on, diving in and doing it, all of us, that will also lead us out of The Mire of Caregiving we've created, drain its swampiness and turn it into a garden of rich, moist, supportive soil designed to nurture the felicitous personal development of each of us, even those of us who are confirmed isolationists.