Mom & Me Four Archive

    I've changed our plans.
    Late last week MCF called. I've noticed, over the last couple of months, that she's been calling but I've been, well, out of touch with everyone, not answering the phone, a bit dour in public so that no one will approach me, etc. Sometime last week I triggered the ring on the phone, again, feeling somewhat more social, and she called again.
    She's used to my silences but she was beginning to worry. "It's a good thing you answered," she said. "If you hadn't, [her sister] and I were going to drive up there next Tuesday and check on you!"
    She's the one who keeps an eye on me and grabs me back when I begin to get in too deep, as mentioned here. She is also one of the few people I know whose family took in her dad during the last years of his life.
    I confirmed that I've been experiencing a period of self-enforced isolation but that I seem to be inching out of it, off and on, lately, which is why I answered the phone when she called. We chatted, caught each other up, then she asked what Mom and I are doing for Christmas, adding that we were, of course, invited to her house.
    I mentioned that I'd accepted an invitation from MPS's family, telling her that I figured I'd better go, since I refused their Thanksgiving invitation; then I began to sob uncontrollably. "I don't want to go," I said. "I'm sure Mom wants to, but I just am not looking forward to all the work it takes just to be there and I still haven't come to terms with all this anger I feel toward my family. It's just exhausting to contemplate. And, anyway, I can't get excited about Christmas, this year, not for anything. I'm seriously considering displaying very bad manners and calling MPS and telling her I just don't have it in me again this year."
    "Don't go, then," she suggested. "Come here. It'll just be the three of us (she, her daughter and one of her sisters)."
    I didn't hesitate. I knew this was what I wanted to do. I knew Mom would enjoy this, too. I immediately began to perk up.
    Why would this alternate invitation be preferable to me? We'd still be traveling. There would still be the extra preparation, etc. Well, let me tell you why. These people know how to be around my mother. They know how to be around me when I am with my mother. They are so good at it that when my mother and I are with anyone in their family, my burden of vigilance, and often many of the chores involved in being with my mother, are lightened because they automatically do what I do with her. They are capable of this because they did it with their dad/grandfather for several years. When Mom and I are at their home on Christmas, there will be four caregiver companions who delight in Mom, know how to be around her, and each of us will be shouldering part the load; thus, all of us will be able to relax; it will seem as though being with my mother is no load at all.
    Bad social manners, I know, to accept an invitation then cancel for another, but I suffered no recrimination over the possibility. Nor did I have a problem calling my sister, uninviting us and explaining why I chose for Mom and me to spend the holiday elsewhere.
    I was honest with her. I explained everything above. I continued that the difference was circumstantial: MCF's family had the experience that allows our visits to be relaxing for me; MPS's family does not. I'm opting for the relaxing holiday.
    MPS told me she understood. She certainly sounded like she did. She expressed that she wanted me to have a good holiday. She mentioned that she didn't want me to apologize. Actually, I hadn't and I didn't...she may not have noticed this. Before I made the phone call I decided not to apologize. Why, I considered, should I apologize for making things easier on myself and guaranteeing a felicitous holiday that I knew I would enjoy, and so would Mom, instead of a holiday I was dreading and knew would be a trial for me?
    I did mention that I probably knew enough about how I was feeling that I shouldn't have accepted when she invited us but, I admitted, I also thought I would be up to what would be required; the plans were a month away when they were made. Seems I miscalculated. I also mentioned to her that it is much, much easier on me when Mom and I are with people who are adept at being with Mom. "You guys aren't very good at being around Mom," I told her.
    She didn't say anything.
    The upshot is that I am feeling quite a bit better than I was at this time last week. I've been triggering the cable to play Christmas music, along with which Mom and I are singing. We've been excitedly discussing the trip and I'm not faking my excitement. We're contributing to the feast, as well, which I hadn't considered in regard to the first invitation; I wasn't up to it. Tonight I set up our fiber optic Christmas tree. We haven't decorated it, yet. The Eukanuba National Dog Show one of Mom's "must see" programs, intervened, and, anyway, this is Mr. Man's first Christmas tree so decorating is going to be interesting and deserves to be done without distraction...probably tomorrow evening. In the mean time, Mom's annual Christmas spirit is thriving, I'm enjoying her, I'm enjoying Christmas possibilities, this year...and, well, my energy is returning and my attitude is reflecting our neighbor's-to-the-east Christmas light display.
    In case you're wondering, I did, indeed, discuss this with Mom, with the same detail and directness I displayed with MPS. She had no problem with my decision. A party is a party, Christmas is Christmas and as long as we're with people we love who love us, she's fine.

    Extended families of primary caregivers to Ancient Ones, take note: It's important for you to step up to the plate, too, if you want to enjoy your relatives during those holiday visits and care whether those relatives will be able to enjoy you. No excuses. If don't keep up with how to be with your Ancient One, even if your intent is to be with that Ancient One only occasionally and only during holiday family gatherings, I assure you that the member of your family who is the caregiver will eventually find visits so torturous that she will avoid them.
    You have responsibilities, too, assuming that you want to keep in realistic touch with your Ancient One and the relative caring for your Ancient One. If you don't acknowledge these responsibilities and find some way to dispatch them you will eventually find yourself in the position of not being able to acknowledge your caregiver-relative or your Ancient One.