Mom & Me Four Archive

    I've been doing some background-brooding about this for several days. I finally talked to Mom about it last night. I asked her if she would be "terribly disappointed" if we didn't trip down to Chandler for a family Thanksgiving.
    Mom: "I wouldn't be disappointed, but I wonder if they [MPS and family] would be disappointed, since they asked us."
    Me: "Well, that's possible. Do you want to know why I don't want to do this?"
    Mom: "That would help."
    I explained all the preparation detail:

• The hour or so Thanksgiving Eve getting the car, gathering everything for the trip and packing the car; laying out everything we'd need for morning;
• Me getting to bed no earlier than midnight (since it is likely that I wouldn't be able to get Mom in bed before midnight);
• Me getting up at 0400 the following morning in order to shower early enough so the hot water would replenish itself for Mom's bath (although I could shower the night before, I find I need the stimulation of a wake-up shower especially on travel days);
• Drinking lots of coffee and getting a little alone time so that I'm not completely monstrous throughout the day;
• Awakening Mom no earlier and no later than 0600, so that we'd have plenty of time to spiff her up holiday style;
• Feeding both of us a hearty breakfast, since it will be awhile before she encounters food, again;
• Putting last minute stuff in the car;
• Securing the cats for the day (making sure they have enough to eat and drink and that all windows through which they could possibly leave are secured);
• Me taking a "cold pill" so that I do not become so tired that I'm a hazardous driver on the way back [which, I've noticed, also involves one night of easily distracted sleep, gritting my teeth, as well, while the pill wears off, which is the down-side of taking a cold pill for alertness and is why I take them rarely, even though I appreciate their facility];
• Getting in the car and heading down for a 2.5 hour drive;
• Arriving at around 1000;
• Everyone else visits;
• I visit, too, but through the entire visit I am distracted by keeping a close eye on Mom, since she's in a "new" environment and, although my relatives will be "seeing" her, they won't be aware of things like:
  • Making sure she gets to the bathroom on time and negotiating a bowel movement, if one should occur;
  • Keeping an eye on her when she moves around so she doesn't fall;
  • Keeping an eye on her around the dog;
  • Special vigilance if she decides to venture into their back yard, which is likely, since the weather there will be what Mom considers glorious;
  • Enduring Mom's constant ironic awareness and public acknowledgement of my vigilance, including her jokes at my expense, and everyone's laughter and agreement with her, including mine, just to keep the peace;
  • Making sure pills are taken on an effective schedule so that they work as they should, with and without food;
  • If the restaurant is the waiter-at-table version I'll need to mediate briefly between Mom's slow choosing and everyone else's readiness to order;
  • If it is buffet driven I'll need to take her through the buffet separately from me, it will be a slow process, she'll be the last to the table, then, I'll gather my food, which means I'll arrive at the table ready to eat about halfway through everyone else's dinner;
  • Keeping my eye on her during dinner so that she doesn't become so distracted that she doesn't recognize which food is hers and doesn't eat (this actually happened during a family restaurant celebration some years ago and is even more likely to happen, now);
  • Doing a repeat of the visiting scenario after dinner back at MPS's house.
• Finally, in the evening sometime, packing Mom and our stuff up and driving 2.5 hours back up the mountain;
• Arriving home fairly late, possibly even as late at 2300
• Spending yet another hour unpacking the car and putting everything away while keeping an eye on Mom;
• Getting her to bed at her leisure;
• Winding myself down for about a half hour;
• Putting myself to bed and awakening up the following day a bit disoriented.

    This is not to say, I told her, that I wouldn't have a good time here and there. It is to say that when we travel for the purpose of visiting relatives and friends, I work double time and I'm not up for that, this year. Finally, I said, "If your desire to go is so high that you would be very disappointed if we didn't, Mom, I can work myself up for the trip. I mean, I know it's been awhile since you've seen any family except me."
    "It hasn't been that long," she said. "I'm not missing anyone."
    "Well, Mom, even though your memory is pulling out visits as though they're fresh, it has been awhile, and, certainly, it's been well over a year since we've done a family visit on a holiday."
    "I think you're mistaken about that."
    Hmmm...well, I suppose I could say that this is in my favor, anyway. "Okay. Well, what do you want to do?" At this point I'm thinking, you know, I probably shouldn't leave it up to her, I should probably have just made my decision and lived with whatever flack it caused.
    "Traveling is hard on me, too, you know," Mom said.
    I was surprised. This is the first time she's acknowledged that travel is hard on her, even though I know it is. Usually, I consider that she gets caught up in the excitement and any difficulties she may have disappear in the change of scenery, the visiting and her dementia. "I didn't know that," I said.
    "I don't think it's necessary, this time. Maybe we can go out to eat, or have a dinner here at home."
    "Which would you prefer?" I asked.
    "You know, I always prefer ham," she said.
    "Well, I can't get ahold of anyone there until the weekend, so you've got a few days to change your mind (so do I, I noted). But, I definitely need to call them on the weekend, so they can change the reservations. I'll remind you a couple of times before then, so we can revisit the decision."
    "No need to do that."
    I will, anyway. Frankly, I'm surprised. I think I may have been counting on Mom's disappointment to jump start me into some sort of Holiday Trip Hurrah. Didn't happen. I'm also not feeling guilty, I notice, which is different from years past; relieved is more like it.
    Maybe this year will be a reverse of last year, which was: Thanksgiving trip but no Christmas trip. Then, again, maybe our closest family has other plans for Christmas. The one aspect of all this of which I'm sure is that, despite MPS's decision a few years ago to handle the holidays, thinking (and, I thought this, too) that this would be a relief for me, it isn't. In fact, the holidays, toward which I have a natural aversion, have become even more detestable for me because of these frantic trip days.