Mom & Me Four Archive

...if there will come a time in my life when I will "get it" at a higher level, understand something I am now incapable of understanding, everything will become clear and I will smile, beatifically, even laugh, perhaps shed tears of joy, and:

• Not feel the pressure to forgive my sisters because I will consider that they have done nothing needing forgiveness;
• Come together, excitedly, with my sisters and nod in relieved agreement with and gratitude toward them as they tell me, after I apologize for my years of bad behavior toward them as I've been Mom's companion, that they understand and feel there is nothing they need to forgive.
• Dismiss any lingering guilt they have over their distance and lack of help and support as I care for our Mom and be able to tell them, and have this be true for me, that they have no reason to feel guilty, they did what they could, just as I did.

    These are my aspirations, toward my sisters and toward everyone with whom I come into contact these days: Nonjudgmental acceptance and precisely targeted compassion.
    When I write posts that express anger, disappointment and a sense of having been betrayed such as this one, and, even, subtly, this one, I not only want to imagine myself as capable of the above desired of compassion and love, I want to realize it. I'm not there yet. I am painfully aware that I am far, far from it. I believe, though, in order to attain one's visualization of one's future self, in order, in fact, to achieve the amazing surprise of besting one's highest visualizations of one's future self, one must acknowledge, without flinching, with all the detail, where one is.
    So, here I am, ensconced, for the moment, in my pettiness, my anger, my fear and my despair. And, yes, I can't deny, it feels safe here, even as I sense the walls closing in on me. There, though, is where I want to be. This visualization is the light I am throwing around my current position in the hopes of spotting the trailhead to where I want, and intend to go.