Friday, October 13, 2006
This is one of those "reminder to myself" posts.
Intellectually, I suspect there is a connection between the episode of which I am about to write and my current, continuing Care Free existence, but I haven't determined this to my satisfaction. Thus, for my personal edification and continued consideration, I want to record the following:
My intention, today, was to awaken my mother at 1400; exactly 12 hours after she retired. I'd been expecting her to rise earlier, actually, because she had such a good day yesterday and was energized right up to the point of retirement, 15 minutes before her light went at at 0200 this morning. I was neither, though, surprised nor disappointed that she took her full 12 hours.
Right at 1400 I turned off the computer and exited the living room to head down the hall toward her bedroom. I was unexpectedly overwhelmed, though, by an intense wave of what I can only refer to as "longing". I use this word because I've been trying out other words since I experienced the wave and none of them seems to fit quite as well as this one, although this one also isn't an exact fit. "Despair" isn't even in the ballpark. "Angst" is too agonizing and, although the experience was so intense that certain aspects of "agony" might apply and, as well, I remain, for instance, internally tender in its aftermath, I can't really say it was emotionally or physically "painful". As well, I am sure it was not a bout of anxiety. I know what my anxiety profile is. This was nothing like that.
I was so surprised and overwhelmed by it that I, literally "clutched my chest", clenched my fist and faltered a bit in the hall, although I registered it as much more of an emotional than a physical sensation. I remember, as well, uttering, "Uh!" when it hit me; as though it had taken away my breath. I stood in the hall for some moments, expecting the feeling to pass quickly so I could gather myself and awaken my mother. It was intent, though, on continuing, throbbing away at me, now a series of determined, powerful waves. I realized that my eyes were stinging with tears. I thought, Oh, well, this is not a good time to awaken her. I'll go back to the living room, sit down and wait for this to pass. How long could it take, a few more minutes?
It was an hour, though, before I felt sufficiently free of it to awaken my mother.
After about 15 minutes of reeling, shaking, and a bit of weeping, I began to try to figure out what was causing this. Although it could have been a hormone surge, despite the fact that I've pretty much left the worst of those behind, after a few minutes of not completely clearheaded thinking I decided to attach the word "longing" to it, although the sensation was much stronger and definitely different than any experience of longing I can remember, even as a teenager when "strong longing" seems to be the basis of much of one's emotional life. I constructed a catalog of items that I may or may not have a reason for which to long, divided them into small provocations and large provocations, then, summarily crossed them off the list for a variety of reasons. A few of the more potent and impotent possibilities follow:
Small Longings:
I am feeling very comfortable with this Care Free mode in which I've discovered myself. But, you know, it's very unusual for me. Previous to this, I cannot remember being even slightly removed in my spontaneous reactions to people, circumstances, even objects and arrangements of objects and natural phenomena. Thus, my recent remove is a surprise to me; not at all unpleasant but constantly, well, forgive the repetition, surprising. As well, it feels good. But, beneath my conscious view of myself and my ability to adapt to this, I may be feeling some discomfort, maybe even guilt, which I haven't yet consciously registered. I don't know. Then again, it's entirely possible that this longing applies to something of which I haven't yet considered because it is out my perception of my character.
One thing is certain; the initial experience was so unexpected, foreign and encompassing that I can still feel its effects in my solar plexus; and my fascination with it continues. I'm prepared for any discoveries it may catalyze, as well as the possibility that it may be an isolated, neurological reaction that will never be explained.
We'll see. Or, at least, I'll see.
Later.
My intention, today, was to awaken my mother at 1400; exactly 12 hours after she retired. I'd been expecting her to rise earlier, actually, because she had such a good day yesterday and was energized right up to the point of retirement, 15 minutes before her light went at at 0200 this morning. I was neither, though, surprised nor disappointed that she took her full 12 hours.
Right at 1400 I turned off the computer and exited the living room to head down the hall toward her bedroom. I was unexpectedly overwhelmed, though, by an intense wave of what I can only refer to as "longing". I use this word because I've been trying out other words since I experienced the wave and none of them seems to fit quite as well as this one, although this one also isn't an exact fit. "Despair" isn't even in the ballpark. "Angst" is too agonizing and, although the experience was so intense that certain aspects of "agony" might apply and, as well, I remain, for instance, internally tender in its aftermath, I can't really say it was emotionally or physically "painful". As well, I am sure it was not a bout of anxiety. I know what my anxiety profile is. This was nothing like that.
I was so surprised and overwhelmed by it that I, literally "clutched my chest", clenched my fist and faltered a bit in the hall, although I registered it as much more of an emotional than a physical sensation. I remember, as well, uttering, "Uh!" when it hit me; as though it had taken away my breath. I stood in the hall for some moments, expecting the feeling to pass quickly so I could gather myself and awaken my mother. It was intent, though, on continuing, throbbing away at me, now a series of determined, powerful waves. I realized that my eyes were stinging with tears. I thought, Oh, well, this is not a good time to awaken her. I'll go back to the living room, sit down and wait for this to pass. How long could it take, a few more minutes?
It was an hour, though, before I felt sufficiently free of it to awaken my mother.
After about 15 minutes of reeling, shaking, and a bit of weeping, I began to try to figure out what was causing this. Although it could have been a hormone surge, despite the fact that I've pretty much left the worst of those behind, after a few minutes of not completely clearheaded thinking I decided to attach the word "longing" to it, although the sensation was much stronger and definitely different than any experience of longing I can remember, even as a teenager when "strong longing" seems to be the basis of much of one's emotional life. I constructed a catalog of items that I may or may not have a reason for which to long, divided them into small provocations and large provocations, then, summarily crossed them off the list for a variety of reasons. A few of the more potent and impotent possibilities follow:
Small Longings:
- Longing for my mother's bowel movements to no longer be of the quality where I need to clean her and need to fish some of them out of the toilet before it's flushed: Although I'm occasionally annoyed by this, it doesn't bother me. Crossed off.
- Longing for cold weather, rain and snow: These will be coming up shortly. I know this. Even if I am longing for their return, certainly my longing would not be of this intensity. Crossed off.
- Longing for the possibility that my mother may finally say, "Yes. Let's do it. Let's get rid of a lot of this stuff.": This would be nice, especially when we go through boxes and she decides to keep everything, but I can't say that the existence of this stuff bothers me. I'm good at ignoring it and complacent in my notice of it. Crossed off.
- Longing for an end to any of the many chores associated with taking care of her, as they occasionally distract me from something else I'm doing "just for me": I'm good at accepting the distraction, I think. Although I have an ever expanding "list" of Things to Do When My Mother Dies, nothing goes on the list that I feel I must do "right now". If I feel that way, I find some way to "do it right now", regardless. Crossed off.
- Longing for my mother to die: No, I'm sure this doesn't apply. I enjoy her life too much. I'm not afraid of the possibility of her death, but I can't remember resenting her life as it affects mine since I've become her companion, either. Crossed off.
- Longing for my once and future lived-alone-life: I've come to terms with this, in part because my mother is very familiar with and very accepting of my isolationism. Although I have my moments, I've never been so entrenched in them that I can't pull myself out. Crossed off.
- Some sort of spiritual longing, rather like longing for God: Although certainly not set in stone, my spiritual life is neither a problem nor a worry. I think "spiritually" a lot, but spiritual agony ended for me a long, long time ago. Crossed off.
- Longing for a child: This, and the next consideration, were both test possibilities that I threw at myself to see if maybe, although they've never applied to me, they now apply. Nope to this one. Crossed off.
- Longing for a "soul mate" or partner: This one didn't click either. Aside from the fact that I can't even imagine what a soul mate is, I am decidedly not the partnering type, have been a miserable but expected failure at "sharing lives" with lovers, which I've attempted, and don't miss romantic involvement when I'm not doing it. Crossed off.
- Longing for less tension and more contact between my sisters and me: For some reason, although I suppose I "should" be upset about the tension I've caused within the family, I'm not. My love for my sisters, which is deep, has not diminished, but I can't say I miss contact with them, nor am I in any hurry to renew overt bonds, explain myself any more than I have, nor do I feel as though I need to apologize, ask for forgiveness, etc. It would be fine with me if bonds were renewed, but I'm okay with "things the way they are", at the moment, too. I have an abiding faith that our bonds remain, beneath the tension, will not fail us and that, eventually, the tension will work itself out and we will be overtly reunited. Crossed off.
- Longing for something more within my relationship with my mother: Nope. Aside from the fact that I am continually awed by the fullness of our relationship, I am always aware of and grateful for its dynamism. Crossed off.
- Sexual Longing: I doubt it. I don't go without sex; I just go without social sex. I suppose the reason I don't miss having a sexual partner or indulging in casual sex with others is twofold: Too many complications that simply don't fit in with my relationship with my mother (believe me, I've tried, doesn't work) and the fact that menopause has significantly cooled the desperation of sexual need, thank the gods. It was a problem for me when sexual need was desperately primary but my desire to have a husband and/or kids was not; worrying about the effectiveness of birth control, worrying about the man's wanting a mate versus me wanting, well, a relationship, yes, but not a mate; or, me not wanting even a relationship when the man did; putting up with other women who were constantly trying to "mate" me with others; I'll tell you, I'm glad all that's over. Crossed off.
I am feeling very comfortable with this Care Free mode in which I've discovered myself. But, you know, it's very unusual for me. Previous to this, I cannot remember being even slightly removed in my spontaneous reactions to people, circumstances, even objects and arrangements of objects and natural phenomena. Thus, my recent remove is a surprise to me; not at all unpleasant but constantly, well, forgive the repetition, surprising. As well, it feels good. But, beneath my conscious view of myself and my ability to adapt to this, I may be feeling some discomfort, maybe even guilt, which I haven't yet consciously registered. I don't know. Then again, it's entirely possible that this longing applies to something of which I haven't yet considered because it is out my perception of my character.
One thing is certain; the initial experience was so unexpected, foreign and encompassing that I can still feel its effects in my solar plexus; and my fascination with it continues. I'm prepared for any discoveries it may catalyze, as well as the possibility that it may be an isolated, neurological reaction that will never be explained.
We'll see. Or, at least, I'll see.
Later.
