Wednesday, August 2, 2006
I'm still reading.
Used to be that I could read a book like this in one day "off" (work), even if I was highlighting and notating in the margins (or, as I sometimes used to do if I found myself having a lot to say to the book, notating in notebooks). After I'd stopped working in order to be available to Mom, while her ability to manage her life was needing incrementally more and more assistance but her health was not yet being challenged, I remember reading similar books in two days. I'm heading into my fourth day with this book and I still haven't completed it, despite the fact that I'm spending all my spare time on it, thus, I'm learning how little "spare time" I actually have. I just discovered that in the now necessary practice of picking the book up, reading some, then putting it down I skipped two chapters. I have yet to read the appendix and notes. Now you know why I don't read much any more, unless it's short, sweet, to the point and probably on the internet. You also know why my posts, long or short, often appear to be unedited (they often are unedited when I publish them). You also know, if you subscribe to any sort of service that pings you when I publish, why maybe a quarter of those publications are republications of posts that I happen to notice, upon later scanning, need to be edited.
Reading, for me, used to be pure joy. Some of that joy remains but a great deal of frustration now accompanies the act of reading for me because I do not feel I can protect myself from interruptions, anymore...the interruptions are much too important. Even reading aloud with my mother is vaguely frustrating because, of course, it is impossible for me to read as fast or as far as I'd like in a single session.
It is becoming apparent to me that I need to change my attitude about and my preferences in regard to reading if I want to continue to read books, at least some of the time. Not reading has been my chosen option for a couple of years but it's been just as frustrating (note the books I continue to purchase lining our hearth and obscuring our fireplace even as I know I probably won't read them until after my mother dies) as reading under the life circumstances to which I am devoted, at the moment. Changing my attitude and preferences presents added difficulties, too, as, two of the salutary aspects of not reading are:
Nonetheless, this book is having a surprising impact on me. Despite the fact that it is primarily philosophical, rather than practical, it has already moved me to change one practice in my caregiving and, earlier last evening (or was it this morning), sparked another idea that will further redirect my caregiving of my mother, if it's possible.
One thing reading this book has done is rendered me much more sensitive to the use of the word "decline" when talking about Ancient Ones.
One more awareness, not related to the book but it hit me while I was reading the book: I use the word "now" a lot. Must think about that. Now, now...
Time to hit the sack, though. More on all that...
...later.
Reading, for me, used to be pure joy. Some of that joy remains but a great deal of frustration now accompanies the act of reading for me because I do not feel I can protect myself from interruptions, anymore...the interruptions are much too important. Even reading aloud with my mother is vaguely frustrating because, of course, it is impossible for me to read as fast or as far as I'd like in a single session.
It is becoming apparent to me that I need to change my attitude about and my preferences in regard to reading if I want to continue to read books, at least some of the time. Not reading has been my chosen option for a couple of years but it's been just as frustrating (note the books I continue to purchase lining our hearth and obscuring our fireplace even as I know I probably won't read them until after my mother dies) as reading under the life circumstances to which I am devoted, at the moment. Changing my attitude and preferences presents added difficulties, too, as, two of the salutary aspects of not reading are:
- I've noticed that I've rediscovered my enjoyment of information that comes to me through my other senses, and;
- although I've always listened to myself studiously and written a lot of what I hear myself thinking (as well as listening to others aside from reading people's writing and writing a lot of what I hear other people express), I'm doing a lot more listening to myself and writing what I'm hearing myself think than I can remember ever doing. This pleases me so much that I tend to think I might like to continue these in-lieu-of-reading activities for a while longer.
Nonetheless, this book is having a surprising impact on me. Despite the fact that it is primarily philosophical, rather than practical, it has already moved me to change one practice in my caregiving and, earlier last evening (or was it this morning), sparked another idea that will further redirect my caregiving of my mother, if it's possible.
One thing reading this book has done is rendered me much more sensitive to the use of the word "decline" when talking about Ancient Ones.
One more awareness, not related to the book but it hit me while I was reading the book: I use the word "now" a lot. Must think about that. Now, now...
Time to hit the sack, though. More on all that...
...later.
