Tuesday, July 4, 2006
This one's for me...
...as in, I noticed I was feeling so good, despite a fundamental conflict with which I've been dealing over the extended weekend, that I wanted to sing a little, here; therapy, you understand.
The "fundamental confict" is that I went into this weekend deepdown wishing I was by myself. Maybe in the Pacific Northwest. I even recall sneaking in some sub-conscious day dreams about just picking up and going, how much it would cost, etc., etc.,...and, yet, I've had a perfectly wonderful time this weekend, as well, surprisingly even keeled (me and Mom and the weekend), I can say that I've truly enjoyed my mother's company even as I've been wishing that I was holed up someplace cold and drizzly and green, just me, maybe my computer, maybe not...
It seems that as the extended weekend approached I found myself needing to do some obsessive cataloguing...so I turned to my journals, the TOC of which is still a ways off and the guts of which need to be second-catalogued. I love doing this because it always causes me to reread posts, surprise myself, recall parts of my mother's and my journey...the thing is, while I'm not a nurturing person, never wanted to be, even had a native disdain, like a nasty taste on the back of the tongue, when around dedicated caregivers; and while I'm am not forgiving about the difficulties caregivers incur simply by caregiving avocationally in this society, I have to say, I seem to have a knack for taking care of my mother. I'm, more often than not, glad I'm doing this. On weekends like this, when I am split with competing desires and competing rewards and, not insignificantly, feeling good psychically and somatically, "when [I] can't be with the one [I] love, [I'll] love the one [I'm] with." [--thank you, Stephen Stills]
So, it's cool this morning, and humid, and it looks, as I gaze out the living room faux cathedral windows right now, as though we're gonna get rain. The weather report, lately, has been playing a trick on us...40% chance of rain has been less likely for us than 30% chance. Today the prediction is 30%, this afternoon. I'll wager we'll see drops before noon, today, and get some good rain this afternoon.
Later.
The "fundamental confict" is that I went into this weekend deepdown wishing I was by myself. Maybe in the Pacific Northwest. I even recall sneaking in some sub-conscious day dreams about just picking up and going, how much it would cost, etc., etc.,...and, yet, I've had a perfectly wonderful time this weekend, as well, surprisingly even keeled (me and Mom and the weekend), I can say that I've truly enjoyed my mother's company even as I've been wishing that I was holed up someplace cold and drizzly and green, just me, maybe my computer, maybe not...
It seems that as the extended weekend approached I found myself needing to do some obsessive cataloguing...so I turned to my journals, the TOC of which is still a ways off and the guts of which need to be second-catalogued. I love doing this because it always causes me to reread posts, surprise myself, recall parts of my mother's and my journey...the thing is, while I'm not a nurturing person, never wanted to be, even had a native disdain, like a nasty taste on the back of the tongue, when around dedicated caregivers; and while I'm am not forgiving about the difficulties caregivers incur simply by caregiving avocationally in this society, I have to say, I seem to have a knack for taking care of my mother. I'm, more often than not, glad I'm doing this. On weekends like this, when I am split with competing desires and competing rewards and, not insignificantly, feeling good psychically and somatically, "when [I] can't be with the one [I] love, [I'll] love the one [I'm] with." [--thank you, Stephen Stills]
So, it's cool this morning, and humid, and it looks, as I gaze out the living room faux cathedral windows right now, as though we're gonna get rain. The weather report, lately, has been playing a trick on us...40% chance of rain has been less likely for us than 30% chance. Today the prediction is 30%, this afternoon. I'll wager we'll see drops before noon, today, and get some good rain this afternoon.
Later.
Comments:
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originally posted by Deb Peterson: Wed Jul 05, 05:48:00 PM 2006
Gail--I returned to work today after four days home with Mom. I was glad to get back and I think it's because when I AM home for extended times with my mother I think of all the things I "should" be doing to make her life better. I also know that I'm being unrealistic, but it's a hard habit to break. I might be coming close to understanding why people aren't especially fond of the term "caregiver"--because it puts the onus on one person and because there's a "caregiver" stereotype that I don't conform to.
Reading your post I don't hear my own hangups--although you certainly give a lot of care to your Mom, you have a more balanced view of your relationship with her. Rather than an "Okay, I'll make the best of it" attitude, yours is a "Hey! I'm liking this" response--which doesn't mean that there won't be times when you'd like to be alone. But you're making your own map, and I like that. And I think it respects your Mom by refusing to look at her as the "object" of your care--she's a participant in it. I am going to take a page out of your book!
Gail--I returned to work today after four days home with Mom. I was glad to get back and I think it's because when I AM home for extended times with my mother I think of all the things I "should" be doing to make her life better. I also know that I'm being unrealistic, but it's a hard habit to break. I might be coming close to understanding why people aren't especially fond of the term "caregiver"--because it puts the onus on one person and because there's a "caregiver" stereotype that I don't conform to.
Reading your post I don't hear my own hangups--although you certainly give a lot of care to your Mom, you have a more balanced view of your relationship with her. Rather than an "Okay, I'll make the best of it" attitude, yours is a "Hey! I'm liking this" response--which doesn't mean that there won't be times when you'd like to be alone. But you're making your own map, and I like that. And I think it respects your Mom by refusing to look at her as the "object" of your care--she's a participant in it. I am going to take a page out of your book!
originally posted by Gail Rae : Wed Jul 05, 07:58:00 PM 2006
I just want you to know, Deb, that I also suffered, for many some (and still have suffer occasional bouts) from feeling as though, since I'm here, I should be doing something more; I should be a sort of caregiver robot that focuses only on my mother and her needs and comforts.
In a queer twist on fortune, I also, during the worst of that time, was experiencing the worst of my hormonal bounces without the aid of supplements, so, whether I wanted to or not, I was nowhere near able to be the caregiving robot I thought I should be.
Thank the gods those days are over. Although other people's expectations of caregivers have often irritated me, sometimes mightily, that's nothing compared to the bedevilment of my own expectations.
I'm not sure about the process of resolution. I know that I didn't feel the need for outside intervention. That doesn't however, mean that I couldn't have used it. I just didn't think of it or seek it.
I think the difference in my attitude, now, is that I believe I'm up to anything this avocation throws my way, whether or not I think and prepare ahead "adequately". This has reduced a lot of the stress of "doing it right". So has the slow learning that "right" has even more variety of definitions for Ancient Ones than anyone else. Probably the most important realization, though, is that my mother depends on me to be someone besides her caregiver. She is as much in need of an intimate someone off whom to bounce as she is of someone to remind her to drink fluids, blow her nose and go to the bathroom. If all I am is her caregiver, well, that's a very hard oppositional identification to make.
But, I only learned these things through experience.
I just want you to know, Deb, that I also suffered, for many some (and still have suffer occasional bouts) from feeling as though, since I'm here, I should be doing something more; I should be a sort of caregiver robot that focuses only on my mother and her needs and comforts.
In a queer twist on fortune, I also, during the worst of that time, was experiencing the worst of my hormonal bounces without the aid of supplements, so, whether I wanted to or not, I was nowhere near able to be the caregiving robot I thought I should be.
Thank the gods those days are over. Although other people's expectations of caregivers have often irritated me, sometimes mightily, that's nothing compared to the bedevilment of my own expectations.
I'm not sure about the process of resolution. I know that I didn't feel the need for outside intervention. That doesn't however, mean that I couldn't have used it. I just didn't think of it or seek it.
I think the difference in my attitude, now, is that I believe I'm up to anything this avocation throws my way, whether or not I think and prepare ahead "adequately". This has reduced a lot of the stress of "doing it right". So has the slow learning that "right" has even more variety of definitions for Ancient Ones than anyone else. Probably the most important realization, though, is that my mother depends on me to be someone besides her caregiver. She is as much in need of an intimate someone off whom to bounce as she is of someone to remind her to drink fluids, blow her nose and go to the bathroom. If all I am is her caregiver, well, that's a very hard oppositional identification to make.
But, I only learned these things through experience.
originally posted by Deb Peterson: Thu Jul 06, 05:54:00 PM 2006
Gail--I'm going to copy and print out your response to be able to look at it whenever I'm getting off-track. I especially love what you say about being a friend to your Mom. Thank you for writing this.
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Gail--I'm going to copy and print out your response to be able to look at it whenever I'm getting off-track. I especially love what you say about being a friend to your Mom. Thank you for writing this.
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