Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Recent conversational bits that continue in auto-replay...
...through my mind's personal podcast (in no particular order):
- Me: Come on, Mom, let's get you moving, I don't want to burn the bacon again this morning.
Mom: You didn't have to burn the bacon yesterday morning.
Me (after short reflective pause): You're right. I'm sorry. At any time yesterday morning I could have realized we were running long at bathing you, remembered the bacon and headed in to turn it off. Then, it would have taken two hours to get you to the breakfast table instead of one and a half.
Mom: Ah. It takes you a half hour to turn down the bacon. That's good to know.
Me: No, it takes a half hour to reestablish broken momentum with you.
Mom: Is that an apology?
Me: Pretty much. Take it or leave it.
Mom: I guess I'd better take it.
Me: Okay, so, let's get you moving so I don't have to try to remember to turn down the bacon.
Mom: That's better. - Me: Are you having a bowel movement?
Mom: Yes.
Me (reaching for the garbage can on the other side of her toilet, which I put in the sink so it's handy for throwing away baby wipes when I clean her): Okay, let me pull this out and I'll leave you to your thoughts.
Mom (in mock consternation): I don't go in there!
Me (in mock shock): You don't?!? I always defecate in the garbage can in my bathroom!
Mom (trying to suppress a snicker): It's a good thing we have two bathrooms! - One of my sisters, during a conversation about caregiving: Do you project into the future?
Me (without hesitation): No. Not because I'm a caregiver, though. I brought that quality with me when I became a caregiver. I don't know why, but I've never projected into the future. I didn't get it from Mom or Dad. All my sisters [project into the future], too. I don't think I know anyone who doesn't. I don't know why I don't. I don't consider it a disability, it's just something that I'm aware I don't do. But, I think it's one of my qualities that makes me an excellent caregiver.
My sister: Because it keeps you in the moment?
Me: Yes. It's never been either a positive or negative quality for me, although my society considers it a negative quality. But, in this situation [caregiving], it's valuable. Besides, if I did project into the future, I probably wouldn't be doing this. I'm sure, when things started to get difficult, when I realized I needed to be doing this full time, I would have projected the possibilities into the future, believed that whatever future I was counting on for myself was about to vanish into Mom's future, turned her over to the professionals and been on my way, pursuing my projected future. I'm not saying this would have been wrong. I'm just saying, this wasn't possible for me. I'm glad, now, that it wasn't. - Me (later, in the same conversation as immediately previous): Look. Just like I said in that recent post: My family isn't available to me to help me with caregiving; it's frustrating; and, I truly don't blame my family, I blame my society. I know it's hard on my family when I personalize it. But, believe me, this is the fundamental way it works in every family in which one among multiple siblings is caregiving for the parents. I could just talk about "society", but then nothing will change. So, I tell the truth about exactly how this societal quirk works in my family and frustrates me. If no one tells the personal truth, the societal truth will never change.
My sister: [silence] - One of my sisters, during a conversation about why I may not have heard from another one of my sisters for awhile (this is an extreme paraphrase): [The third sister] mentioned a difficult incident that happened the last time she was here [This was almost four years ago when Mom was still smoking and I exploded at the sister in question when she complained about her discomfort around the ambient second hand smoke; this was after a week of me trying to keep both Mom, who wanted to smoke, happy smoking as little as possible and my other sister happy by trying to create an environment as much to her liking as possible]. And, remember, I hadn't talked to you [meaning me] since [the prelude to the Caregiver Bootcamp incident] and had told her about that, thinking I might not hear from you [meaning me] again.
Me: Well, I talked to [the other sister] a couple of times about the first incident and I thought she and I were okay about that. But, I still feel the same way. Mom and I are doing fine in this environment, but if anyone in the family considers our life toxic to them, it's still okay with me if they stay away. I spent way too many years first making sure we adapted to you guys when we visited you, then making sure we adapted our environment to you guys when you visited us. I got tired of having to do all the adapting. As far as me getting angry again is concerned, well, that's possible. Depending on the circumstances, I might. Everyone should know this. If that scares any of you away, I can live with that.
My sister: This has been a learning experience for all of us.
Me: [silence]
My sister, later in the conversation, after it had taken a different turn: This has been a learning experience for all of us.
Me: [silence]
Comments:
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originally posted by Bailey Stewart: Thu Jul 27, 08:47:00 AM 2006
First off, I have to express utter amazement that your mother could participate so well in the first conversation - mom would have been lost in the first sentence, shoot, mom wouldn't have even remembered my burning anything the day before.
I hate auto-replay.
My brother hates cats. They (my brother and sister-in-law, not the cats) live in Missouri, so they're not here much, but I finally got tired of closing my cats up while they visited. Finally I told them that it was the cat's house too and they (brother etc.) just had to get over it.
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First off, I have to express utter amazement that your mother could participate so well in the first conversation - mom would have been lost in the first sentence, shoot, mom wouldn't have even remembered my burning anything the day before.
I hate auto-replay.
My brother hates cats. They (my brother and sister-in-law, not the cats) live in Missouri, so they're not here much, but I finally got tired of closing my cats up while they visited. Finally I told them that it was the cat's house too and they (brother etc.) just had to get over it.
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