Sunday, July 16, 2006
Maybe it was the heat, maybe it was general fatigue...
...I'm not sure, but, yesterday, while I was bathing my mother, I was stealthly overtaken by one of the best Abandoning Fantasies in which I've yet indulged. I want to record it here so I remember it.
It is important for me to mention that yesterday's bathing was one during which I was not "being here now".
My mother had just handed me a wash cloth with which she'd soaped her left arm. I was autonomically aware of the job she'd done, "gold star", which I mentioned to her (I often grade her efforts as a celebration or a tease, especially when either her vigor or lack of such surprises me). Otherwise, my mind was elsewhere and wasn't signaling me its location. I handed her a rinse cloth, began washing out the soaped cloth and suddenly, my exhausted self called to me in the voice of a god: "Drop the wash cloth. Turn off the water. Find your shoes. Put them on. Call whichever sister you can reach. Tell her it's her turn, now, to take care of your mother. Walk out of the house. Pick up your hiking stick. Head into the forest. Keep walking. Don't turn back. Become a 'lily of the field'. Know that you will find shelter and provisions. Leave the care of your mother to the civilization she loves, thank her for creating you and return to your natural habitat."
During the rest of her bath, while monitoring her progress and keeping up light conversation with my mother, I imagined my solitary journey 'back to my roots' so to speak...roots I've never experienced but, nonetheless, mine. I watched myself travel northward through high desert forest and rugged mountain passes...wandering the west central flat desert like Moses, expecting a deadly collapse at any moment. Crawling into fertile valleys. Gorging on water, greens and roots. Reviving. Picking my way further northward and westward until I found myself in a natural haven. The voice tells me, "Stop. You're home." I stop, explore my immediate surroundings and prepare to live the rest of my days there, however many or few are left. At home in whatever deciduous shelter the voice tells me I belong.
This is not a new fantasy. I've depended on this one periodically for years, when nothing except the bare fact of my existence makes sense, anymore, and I need to give myself some psychological leeway to take stock and figure out, yet again, how to reorient myself to living conditions among humans that often seem, to me, confusing and brutal. Some years ago I called this fantasy into play when I was worrying about what I'd do with my life after my mother died. After exhausting myself with all sorts of civilized options that seemed just this side of ridiculous, I began making elaborate plans for solitary living in "the wilderness". I researched survival manuals. I planned and began collecting items I thought I'd need for self-sufficiency. I calculated how long it would take for my body to adjust to the organisms in water treated only by natural processes. I looked up locations that promised potable water least likely to have been polluted by the activities of civilization. I spent many refreshing alternate hours (meaning hours in which I was primarily engaged in caregiving and secondarily engaged in planning my final living situation). The startling aspect of yesterday's version of my long nursed fantasy is that, this time, I did it naked. No manuals, no research, no handy survival gadgets, just the summery clothes on my back and a pair of close-toed shoes with traction soles. It was exhilarating to contemplate.
It wasn't until yesterday that this fantasy became an Abandoning Fantasy...the best one yet. Would I ever do this? I've had too widely varied a life and found myself doing too many things I never thought I'd have the courage or audacity to do that, well, I never say never. I figure, if I can imagine myself doing something like this, there's always the possibility, remote as it seems at the moment, that I will become so overwhelmed by any current situation that I might just walk away. Home.
Better awaken The Mom. I've let her sneak enough extra sleep.
Later.
It is important for me to mention that yesterday's bathing was one during which I was not "being here now".
My mother had just handed me a wash cloth with which she'd soaped her left arm. I was autonomically aware of the job she'd done, "gold star", which I mentioned to her (I often grade her efforts as a celebration or a tease, especially when either her vigor or lack of such surprises me). Otherwise, my mind was elsewhere and wasn't signaling me its location. I handed her a rinse cloth, began washing out the soaped cloth and suddenly, my exhausted self called to me in the voice of a god: "Drop the wash cloth. Turn off the water. Find your shoes. Put them on. Call whichever sister you can reach. Tell her it's her turn, now, to take care of your mother. Walk out of the house. Pick up your hiking stick. Head into the forest. Keep walking. Don't turn back. Become a 'lily of the field'. Know that you will find shelter and provisions. Leave the care of your mother to the civilization she loves, thank her for creating you and return to your natural habitat."
During the rest of her bath, while monitoring her progress and keeping up light conversation with my mother, I imagined my solitary journey 'back to my roots' so to speak...roots I've never experienced but, nonetheless, mine. I watched myself travel northward through high desert forest and rugged mountain passes...wandering the west central flat desert like Moses, expecting a deadly collapse at any moment. Crawling into fertile valleys. Gorging on water, greens and roots. Reviving. Picking my way further northward and westward until I found myself in a natural haven. The voice tells me, "Stop. You're home." I stop, explore my immediate surroundings and prepare to live the rest of my days there, however many or few are left. At home in whatever deciduous shelter the voice tells me I belong.
This is not a new fantasy. I've depended on this one periodically for years, when nothing except the bare fact of my existence makes sense, anymore, and I need to give myself some psychological leeway to take stock and figure out, yet again, how to reorient myself to living conditions among humans that often seem, to me, confusing and brutal. Some years ago I called this fantasy into play when I was worrying about what I'd do with my life after my mother died. After exhausting myself with all sorts of civilized options that seemed just this side of ridiculous, I began making elaborate plans for solitary living in "the wilderness". I researched survival manuals. I planned and began collecting items I thought I'd need for self-sufficiency. I calculated how long it would take for my body to adjust to the organisms in water treated only by natural processes. I looked up locations that promised potable water least likely to have been polluted by the activities of civilization. I spent many refreshing alternate hours (meaning hours in which I was primarily engaged in caregiving and secondarily engaged in planning my final living situation). The startling aspect of yesterday's version of my long nursed fantasy is that, this time, I did it naked. No manuals, no research, no handy survival gadgets, just the summery clothes on my back and a pair of close-toed shoes with traction soles. It was exhilarating to contemplate.
It wasn't until yesterday that this fantasy became an Abandoning Fantasy...the best one yet. Would I ever do this? I've had too widely varied a life and found myself doing too many things I never thought I'd have the courage or audacity to do that, well, I never say never. I figure, if I can imagine myself doing something like this, there's always the possibility, remote as it seems at the moment, that I will become so overwhelmed by any current situation that I might just walk away. Home.
Better awaken The Mom. I've let her sneak enough extra sleep.
Later.
Comments:
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originally posted by Deb Peterson: Sun Jul 16, 05:28:00 PM 2006
Gail--And how important it is to have these fantasies! I don't know what to say about "if" and "when" you'd act on this one. As you've described it here it's so detailed and satisfying as a fantasy (it seems to me) that the mental experience may well tide you over (as it has) until you are free to act upon it. But maybe you're free right now, and you're choosing to postpone it?
As is, it's such a vivid declaration of who you are and what you want for yourself that just reiterating it to yourself periodically is enough. Not to mention that the fantasy is evolving--in this latest version you are able to trust yourself to the extent that you no longer need the props you've needed previously to survive. You have a stronger sense of your self and what you can do.
I think, too, that because we have moved "back" toward our mothers at this point in our lives, it becomes important to reassert how we are still independent beings. That bond is very strong and we need to counterbalance it occasionally--so what you'd call an "Abandoning" fantasy I might call a "Reality Check." Maybe that's not the best term, but what I mean is that the fantasy is something you are actually acting upon in your heart--and, who knows?, might well have been doing in reality if the circumstances were different. But I'm not a big believer in "potential reality"--so I like to think of your fantasy as something that you ARE doing, at the moment you're imagining it.
Gail--And how important it is to have these fantasies! I don't know what to say about "if" and "when" you'd act on this one. As you've described it here it's so detailed and satisfying as a fantasy (it seems to me) that the mental experience may well tide you over (as it has) until you are free to act upon it. But maybe you're free right now, and you're choosing to postpone it?
As is, it's such a vivid declaration of who you are and what you want for yourself that just reiterating it to yourself periodically is enough. Not to mention that the fantasy is evolving--in this latest version you are able to trust yourself to the extent that you no longer need the props you've needed previously to survive. You have a stronger sense of your self and what you can do.
I think, too, that because we have moved "back" toward our mothers at this point in our lives, it becomes important to reassert how we are still independent beings. That bond is very strong and we need to counterbalance it occasionally--so what you'd call an "Abandoning" fantasy I might call a "Reality Check." Maybe that's not the best term, but what I mean is that the fantasy is something you are actually acting upon in your heart--and, who knows?, might well have been doing in reality if the circumstances were different. But I'm not a big believer in "potential reality"--so I like to think of your fantasy as something that you ARE doing, at the moment you're imagining it.
originally posted by Deb Peterson: Sun Jul 16, 05:35:00 PM 2006
Gail--Me again. Right after posting I looked at a blog I've recently discovered, and this entry reminded me of your fantasy, most especially the poem. I thought of you out in the wilderness at night, sitting by the fire you'd made and thinking of your mother.
Gail--Me again. Right after posting I looked at a blog I've recently discovered, and this entry reminded me of your fantasy, most especially the poem. I thought of you out in the wilderness at night, sitting by the fire you'd made and thinking of your mother.
originally posted by Mona Johnson: Sun Jul 16, 06:17:00 PM 2006
Hi Gail,
I think we all have fantasies like this, almost no matter what the situation. Last week, we drove by an ornate, gothic, turn-of-the-century church in a pretty little rural town. The church had already been converted to residential/office space, and was for sale. We called the number listed to hear a recording about the church - marble bathrooms in residential area, spacious meeting or entertaining space, blah, blah, blah. "Would you like me to calculate your monthly payment for this property?" the real estate hotline asked? Just for fun, I punched in a fantasy down payment and term of the mortgage. But while I loved the stain-glassed windows, the bell tower, and the ivory climbing up the walls of thick stone, I knew it was a fantasy. I don't really want to live in a rural town, or deal with 7000 square feet of needy real estate. But you do have to ask yourself what it is about your current life that propels those fantasies, and whether you need to make any changes. Sometimes a small change can make all the difference.
Hi Gail,
I think we all have fantasies like this, almost no matter what the situation. Last week, we drove by an ornate, gothic, turn-of-the-century church in a pretty little rural town. The church had already been converted to residential/office space, and was for sale. We called the number listed to hear a recording about the church - marble bathrooms in residential area, spacious meeting or entertaining space, blah, blah, blah. "Would you like me to calculate your monthly payment for this property?" the real estate hotline asked? Just for fun, I punched in a fantasy down payment and term of the mortgage. But while I loved the stain-glassed windows, the bell tower, and the ivory climbing up the walls of thick stone, I knew it was a fantasy. I don't really want to live in a rural town, or deal with 7000 square feet of needy real estate. But you do have to ask yourself what it is about your current life that propels those fantasies, and whether you need to make any changes. Sometimes a small change can make all the difference.
originally posted by Paula Martinac: Tue Jul 18, 06:25:00 AM 2006
Gail: Oh yes - these days, I often find myself looking through job postings in other states! But because I can't relocate (for various reasons, not just because of my folks), I try to think about how I can "adapt" my fantasy to what can actually be done now. Is there any part of your fantasy that you could put into practice, without completely disappearing from your current life?
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Gail: Oh yes - these days, I often find myself looking through job postings in other states! But because I can't relocate (for various reasons, not just because of my folks), I try to think about how I can "adapt" my fantasy to what can actually be done now. Is there any part of your fantasy that you could put into practice, without completely disappearing from your current life?
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