Mom & Me Four Archive

..to which I've responded. I've decided to publish parts of my response to her because I think some of what I said may be important to other caregivers, single and not.

    I'm pleased that I passed on some hope to you. From what you've written in your comment, I think I can hand you a little more, the hope that comes from knowing you're not alone: I also have no health insurance, thus have gone without health care since I became my mother's companion, except when I got blood poisoning, which cost a bundle. I also have had to neglect my teeth. I've never been diagnosed as clinically depressed but I've had my moments. I've lived a curious, gypsy-like life, one foot in Hell (courtesy of my Dad, who lived there), one foot in Paradise (courtesy of my Mom, who lives there) and have, against all better advice, insisted on "doing it my own way", which can certainly, at times, turn the world into a Not Much Fun House. My guess is that, at times in my life, if I'd bothered to seek psychological help, I would have been diagnosed as clinically depressed. Everything you've mentioned, in fact, is not at all uncommon among caregivers to Ancient Ones.
    You and I are not very different in many respects. I really appreciate your candor. I've suspected for some time that it takes a peculiar, somewhat marginalized person to decide to do this kind of caregiving as a single person: Someone who doesn't buy into the standard dreams, for whom the standard set-ups aren't a proper fit, someone who cannot ignore the dissonance around her and when she reacts is considered to be somehow psychologically impaired because she isn't reacting the way most people react (which, often, is a type of "bury it" non-reaction). Sometimes I wonder if lots of people who are considered clinically depressed are subject to misplaced concern because we, in this society, don't recognize depression as a legitimate response. My theory is that it's possible that many of the lower levels of depression aren't "problems" so much as "spaces" that give the depressed person some leeway to initially react to stimuli, experience and observe these reactions (which aren't reactions anyone really "likes" to experience but aren't necessarily problems, either), maybe even wallow in them to achieve the most inclusive view, then use them, often in ways that aren't recognized by polite society but usually end up benefitting polite society. At any rate, this is how I handle my own "blues", which aren't infrequent.
    Perhaps, too, people of this level of sensitivity are naturals for elder caregiving, whether or not they "want" to give care, simply because, being so highly attuned to their own psychological mechanics, they are more likely to be able to empathize with someone who needs intense care and respond to those needs more appropriately and compassionately than others. This does not mean that I believe that others shouldn't be involved in caring for our elderly. In fact, I consider that it means that we, as a society, have, for much too long, encouraged and rewarded such a lack of sensitivity and attention toward our elderly that there is, at this time, no societally approved, "healthy" (within the context of our society's definition of health) way to be a caregiver to An Ancient One. Far from being "foolish" (as we are often labeled) for what we do, we are actually brave. All of us go into this being so aware of the "dangers" that we continually look for signs that we, ourselves, are in danger and often assume that we have already been damaged. Yet, we do it anyway. In the meantime, the rest of our society figures it is not at all dangerous to ignore the elderly, even unto death. After all, they're going to die, anyway, and their lives don't register on any approved measurements of productivity...a line of thought that ends in the decision that the death of an elderly person is a "blessing" to them, and to us. Perhaps, at times, death is an all around blessing. I think, though, our society is much too quick to label deaths of the elderly which occur because of our neglect of the elderly as "blessings".
    Certainly, this society has decided, without acknowledgment, that single daughters are "more available" for providing this type of care. This decision irks the shit out of me. However, I am also aware that my other sisters, if entrusted with my mother's care, would have had her in a nursing home long ago because they would not have believed that they could make themselves available to, for instance, closely scrutinize her health care so that her doctors didn't harass her body into very poor health; make sure that someone who truly cares about her is always available to her; alter their lives to include those priorities which are important to my mother, including her sleep priority. Under these conditions, my mother would probably be dead, by now, from an unacknowledged diagnosis of "failure to thrive". I don't blame my sisters for this; I blame our society's belief that caregiving is not a societal activity but a personal one and it is right that members of our society should be left alone to do what they deem best, up to the point of noticeably and seriously endangering both the life and quality of life of the care recipient, regardless of who the care recipient is and what kind of care is being provided. This belief, alone, ensures that families would, of a course, find it beyond difficult to include their elderly in their family circle.
    In the final analysis, I don't do this just for her...I do it for me, too. I believe that my mother deserves every chance to thrive, regardless of the level at which she is thriving. If I was not doing this for her I believe I would be experiencing a level of suffering involving both guilt and anxiety that I might find intolerable. I also would not have learned to accommodate the unusual levels of compassion and remove that have allowed me to feel more, rather than less, a part of life-at-large and more adept at negotiating life on my own terms; this last personal benefit, however, is not one that I anticipated...probably because it isn't recognized as a legitimate goal of society. Too bad. It's one of the best personal accomplishments of which I can think!
    So, will you be okay mentally after your mother's death? I think so. You will have followed your best instincts with determination and precision, you will feel good about what you've accomplished, your relationship with your mother will be clear and completely dealt with and you will be super-aware of many aspects of society that society, itself, refuses to acknowledge. Your life may continue on a peculiar and not-recommended (according to society) trajectory, but you will have confidence in yourself and be satisfied that you are where you want to be, where you "should" be and ready for whatever happens.