Monday, February 20, 2006
Sudden, severe, unexpected assault of Caregiver Burnout...
...immediately after that last post.
I've updated The Dailies, pretty much, I think I'm only a day behind, and there's a little updating there; not much, though.
I'm still struggling. It wasn't income taxes this time (although it's affected me getting them out...gotta do that, like, right now), I'm not sure what it is. I'm just hunkering down and trying to get through it. It lifted a bit a few days ago but then was back with a vengence yesterday.
Last night, when Mom and I were talking about my burnout (yes, I talk about it with her, after all, it's obvious to her anyway), I asked her about her stint as a caregiver to An Ancient One, the one she talked about briefly on one of the podcasts (can't remember which one). She took care of this man for a bit less than a year, live-in. She was, essentially, telling me that she "knew what I was going through" because of her experience, insinuating that I wasn't handling this situation very well and I needed to buck up; after all, she "did the same thing".
"But, you did it for less than a year."
"You'd be surprised how long a year of doing that can seem."
No, I wouldn't, but I didn't say that. I asked her if she got time off.
She said, "No."
I asked her about the daughter who hired her.
"Oh, she was in Cedar Rapids working during the week and with her father on the weekend."
"Did she take care of her dad on the weekend?"
"Oh, yes."
"What did you do on the weekends?"
"Well, whatever I wanted. I was off on the weekends."
Doesn't help to discuss this stuff with a former Ancient One Caregiver who got time off. So, although I have no concrete reason for comparison, I suspect, at the moment, I'm taking less good care of her than she ever did for her charge. I apologized for slacking on her care.
"Oh, you're doing fine."
Yeah. Right. Neglecting the taking of stats; lots of stony silence, playing a lot of movies and searching out TV programs to fill the silence and disguise its stoniness; avoiding her eyes; indulging in outrageous Abandoning Fantasies (upon which I intend to elaborate later, just because I think I'm Not the Only One who experiences this type of fantasy) when she's sleeping, the weight of which I'm sure she feels; scolding her for stupid things that don't rate scolding; letting her sleep as much as she wants (although, surprisingly, she's not sleeping anymore than usual); refusing to discuss The Appearances of the Dead with her; drinking unusual amounts of coffee and caffeinated tea...
I thought I was going to be able to say, day before yesterday, that things were finally looking up. In fact, over the last few days I've told a sister and a friend, hopefully, that they were. But, it seems I'm not yet out of the woods.
Reminders to me:
I've updated The Dailies, pretty much, I think I'm only a day behind, and there's a little updating there; not much, though.
I'm still struggling. It wasn't income taxes this time (although it's affected me getting them out...gotta do that, like, right now), I'm not sure what it is. I'm just hunkering down and trying to get through it. It lifted a bit a few days ago but then was back with a vengence yesterday.
Last night, when Mom and I were talking about my burnout (yes, I talk about it with her, after all, it's obvious to her anyway), I asked her about her stint as a caregiver to An Ancient One, the one she talked about briefly on one of the podcasts (can't remember which one). She took care of this man for a bit less than a year, live-in. She was, essentially, telling me that she "knew what I was going through" because of her experience, insinuating that I wasn't handling this situation very well and I needed to buck up; after all, she "did the same thing".
"But, you did it for less than a year."
"You'd be surprised how long a year of doing that can seem."
No, I wouldn't, but I didn't say that. I asked her if she got time off.
She said, "No."
I asked her about the daughter who hired her.
"Oh, she was in Cedar Rapids working during the week and with her father on the weekend."
"Did she take care of her dad on the weekend?"
"Oh, yes."
"What did you do on the weekends?"
"Well, whatever I wanted. I was off on the weekends."
Doesn't help to discuss this stuff with a former Ancient One Caregiver who got time off. So, although I have no concrete reason for comparison, I suspect, at the moment, I'm taking less good care of her than she ever did for her charge. I apologized for slacking on her care.
"Oh, you're doing fine."
Yeah. Right. Neglecting the taking of stats; lots of stony silence, playing a lot of movies and searching out TV programs to fill the silence and disguise its stoniness; avoiding her eyes; indulging in outrageous Abandoning Fantasies (upon which I intend to elaborate later, just because I think I'm Not the Only One who experiences this type of fantasy) when she's sleeping, the weight of which I'm sure she feels; scolding her for stupid things that don't rate scolding; letting her sleep as much as she wants (although, surprisingly, she's not sleeping anymore than usual); refusing to discuss The Appearances of the Dead with her; drinking unusual amounts of coffee and caffeinated tea...
I thought I was going to be able to say, day before yesterday, that things were finally looking up. In fact, over the last few days I've told a sister and a friend, hopefully, that they were. But, it seems I'm not yet out of the woods.
Reminders to me:
- $25 an hour
- Visited the old/reinstituted Adult Day Care Center here hoping that I'd feel good enough about it to leave Mom there on a regular basis, but that fell through
Comments:
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originally posted by kidneygurl: Tue Feb 21, 07:24:00 PM 2006
This shall pass , take care of yourself and don't be hard on yourself.
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This shall pass , take care of yourself and don't be hard on yourself.
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