Wednesday, February 1, 2006
Interesting day, today...
...Tuesday, that is, seeing as how I'm posting a bit past midnight.
I started compiling Mom's medical expenses (those not covered by her insurance) for income tax filing. This year, unlike the last few years, Mom's interest was piqued. She sat in her rocking chair while I pulled the bag of receipts I've been saving all year into the living room, then decided she wanted to examine each receipt. She asked what each red marked item was...what she (or I) used it for; we reviewed every prescription. Although she didn't remember, from duplicate to duplicate, what the abbreviations stood for or why she took medications, it didn't drive me crazy. With each repeated explanation she had different comments. We engaged, for instance, in a many-faceted discussion about her blood pressure and how I've increased her lisinopril over the last several months until she is now at a level with which I am satisfied. Sometimes she talked about what she remembered of her blood pressure history, including those years in which I wasn't with her and was fairly oblivious to it. We also talked about the way I've managed her diabetic medication; why I have selected each of her supplements and whether they appear to be performing; when she uses such items as the anti-itch cream; why she can't also deduct her paper underwear; how incredibly expensive her iron supplements have become. About halfway through our compilation I was sorry that I hadn't had the foresight, when she decided to participate, to set up the microphone.
Although she was physically inactive today and took a nap, her mental alertness from the medical receipt project continued into the early evening, when we finished the compiling. She made me promise, when she decided to nap, not to continue until she arose. I honored my promise. This morning I informed her of GWB's 2006 State of the Union address and she expressed an intense interest in hearing it. By the time it was due she was approaching it as though we were going to watch a much favored movie. She suggested we have popcorn during the speech, which we did. As well, I was surprised at how much attention she paid to the presentation. She noticed the marked patterns of half stand-up, half sit-down applause during parts of the speech. She didn't always understand the subtler messages being sent by the different parts of the audience, but she was riveted. Although she pretty much fell for quite a bit of the rhetoric, she mentioned that he "sounds just like every other President" at one time, then later mentioned, "he doesn't sound like one of our brighter bulbs, does he?" She also shocked me when, immediately after the speech, she mentioned that he didn't talk about "the Medicare problem". I'm not sure she's aware of exactly what "the Medicare problem" is, but I was surprised to note that, from her nightly news watchings, she's aware that some sort of problem has developed recently and was particularly struck by the fact the GWB avoided talking about it.
The woman may be a bit mentally creative, but there's life in her, yet.
An internal "something" occurred to me while we were watching a playing of Green Card showing on one of the cable stations immediately after GWB. We were both thoroughly involved in and enjoying the movie. Suddenly, during the after dinner entertainment scene, I discovered myself thinking that I might not outlive my mother...that the opposite might happen. I know, I've written previously about fearing the possibility of this happening. Tonight, though, it was rather like I was calmly viewing one quantum reality future, one in which I'm not here to see her through death's door because I've already gone through it. It wasn't a disturbing moment, nor is it one I haven't before experienced. It doesn't happen often but every once in awhile, well, I get this feeling that she's going to survive me, not through unanticipated accident or catastrophe, but in the "natural order of things" as it applies to her and my life.
Mind you, it isn't a disturbing "vision", when it happens like this. In fact, it has an air of unreality about it that makes me think it isn't so much a prophecy as it is a highly symbolic image my sub-conscious has created to express...something...I'm not sure what. I wonder if other intense needs caregivers to Ancient Ones experience moments such as this...and what they make of them after they have survived their charges and continued with their non-caregiving life.
Anyone who's been there and done that have any comments?
My intention was to be in bed long before now, but the journaling software backed up just as I was attempting to publish over at The Dailies and I had to troubleshoot that. Then, I didn't want to wait until tomorrow to post everything above. I was afraid I'd lose the immediacy of Mom's day and the vision experience I had tonight.
But, it's time. I'm beat.
Later.
I started compiling Mom's medical expenses (those not covered by her insurance) for income tax filing. This year, unlike the last few years, Mom's interest was piqued. She sat in her rocking chair while I pulled the bag of receipts I've been saving all year into the living room, then decided she wanted to examine each receipt. She asked what each red marked item was...what she (or I) used it for; we reviewed every prescription. Although she didn't remember, from duplicate to duplicate, what the abbreviations stood for or why she took medications, it didn't drive me crazy. With each repeated explanation she had different comments. We engaged, for instance, in a many-faceted discussion about her blood pressure and how I've increased her lisinopril over the last several months until she is now at a level with which I am satisfied. Sometimes she talked about what she remembered of her blood pressure history, including those years in which I wasn't with her and was fairly oblivious to it. We also talked about the way I've managed her diabetic medication; why I have selected each of her supplements and whether they appear to be performing; when she uses such items as the anti-itch cream; why she can't also deduct her paper underwear; how incredibly expensive her iron supplements have become. About halfway through our compilation I was sorry that I hadn't had the foresight, when she decided to participate, to set up the microphone.
Although she was physically inactive today and took a nap, her mental alertness from the medical receipt project continued into the early evening, when we finished the compiling. She made me promise, when she decided to nap, not to continue until she arose. I honored my promise. This morning I informed her of GWB's 2006 State of the Union address and she expressed an intense interest in hearing it. By the time it was due she was approaching it as though we were going to watch a much favored movie. She suggested we have popcorn during the speech, which we did. As well, I was surprised at how much attention she paid to the presentation. She noticed the marked patterns of half stand-up, half sit-down applause during parts of the speech. She didn't always understand the subtler messages being sent by the different parts of the audience, but she was riveted. Although she pretty much fell for quite a bit of the rhetoric, she mentioned that he "sounds just like every other President" at one time, then later mentioned, "he doesn't sound like one of our brighter bulbs, does he?" She also shocked me when, immediately after the speech, she mentioned that he didn't talk about "the Medicare problem". I'm not sure she's aware of exactly what "the Medicare problem" is, but I was surprised to note that, from her nightly news watchings, she's aware that some sort of problem has developed recently and was particularly struck by the fact the GWB avoided talking about it.
The woman may be a bit mentally creative, but there's life in her, yet.
An internal "something" occurred to me while we were watching a playing of Green Card showing on one of the cable stations immediately after GWB. We were both thoroughly involved in and enjoying the movie. Suddenly, during the after dinner entertainment scene, I discovered myself thinking that I might not outlive my mother...that the opposite might happen. I know, I've written previously about fearing the possibility of this happening. Tonight, though, it was rather like I was calmly viewing one quantum reality future, one in which I'm not here to see her through death's door because I've already gone through it. It wasn't a disturbing moment, nor is it one I haven't before experienced. It doesn't happen often but every once in awhile, well, I get this feeling that she's going to survive me, not through unanticipated accident or catastrophe, but in the "natural order of things" as it applies to her and my life.
Mind you, it isn't a disturbing "vision", when it happens like this. In fact, it has an air of unreality about it that makes me think it isn't so much a prophecy as it is a highly symbolic image my sub-conscious has created to express...something...I'm not sure what. I wonder if other intense needs caregivers to Ancient Ones experience moments such as this...and what they make of them after they have survived their charges and continued with their non-caregiving life.
Anyone who's been there and done that have any comments?
My intention was to be in bed long before now, but the journaling software backed up just as I was attempting to publish over at The Dailies and I had to troubleshoot that. Then, I didn't want to wait until tomorrow to post everything above. I was afraid I'd lose the immediacy of Mom's day and the vision experience I had tonight.
But, it's time. I'm beat.
Later.
