Friday, January 27, 2006
"Such a Night" --Thank you, Dr. John
One of my favorite songs by one of my favorite artists. Last night, though, was not one of my favorite nights. I finally headed for bed close to 0100 this morning. I was tired and almost asleep when, 10 minutes after my head hit the pillow, I heard Mom shuffling down the hall.
"Going to the bathroom?" I asked.
"No, I can't sleep. I'm going into the living room."
"No, you're not. If you get up, I have to get up. And, Mom, I've had a hell of a day. It started early, ended late and I was on my feet for most of it. I have to get up early and run a couple of errands I didn't run today because there were things you wanted to do here. You're going back into your room."
"I'll be fine in the living room."
"You would be if I was there to keep an eye on you. You wouldn't be on your own."
"What am I going to do in my room?" She was miffed.
"What were you planning on doing in the living room?"
"I was going to read." She was indignant.
"You can read in your room."
"Well! What if I want a glass of water!?!"
"You've got water by your bed. Fresh water."
"What if I want something to eat?"
"You've had enough to eat today."
"What if I want to watch TV?"
"Mom, look. I accommodate you all the time. I put aside all kinds of things that I want to do so you can do what you want. Tonight, after a day full of accommodating you, I'm tired. You need to accommodate me. Do you understand?"
Dramatic sigh. "Yes, I understand."
I'm not sure when her light went out. Since it was glaring in my eyes I was unable to sleep for some time. The last time I looked at the clock it was 0145. But, I know she stayed in her room.
Does this sound a little like she's in prison? I can't apologize for this. Most nights, if she's needing to stay up late, I'll either stay up and get back up and allow her to do what she wants. Last night, though, I just couldn't do it.
People talk about the selfishness of the elderly. The truth is, it's not all their fault. It's hard not to accede to your Ancient One's wishes most of the time when you're a caregiver, simply because it's often harder to explain why you can't or won't accede to them then deal with the fall-out. If you've chosen to be a full-time caregiver, as well, it's your job to be available at the behest and whims of your Ancient One's life. This usually works best if you are as generous as possible as unobtrusively as possible. Sometimes, though, it backfires. Sometimes your Ancient One is lead to believe that their desires and needs are primary and unquestionable. At other times, because you as a caregiver have done such a good job of seeing to it that your Ancient One feels (and is) both comfortable and safe in her home, she thinks her safety has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. If she also has Dementia-Lite you'll never be able to convince her otherwise. Sometimes you just have to order her around. If ordering isn't the order of most of your days, it's going to be difficult when, for a few hours, you need to order her around.
She accepted my demand and, as far as I know from the lack of evidence in the rest of the house this morning and the fact that she's sleeping in, she remembered and managed herself according to my demand.
Anyway, time to awaken the Mom. I want to get her hydrated and moving so that her bowels respond to the laxative in a timely manner.
My plans for this weekend, though, starting today, are to do some catching up. I've got loads of half-essays that I want to finish. I want to catch up on stats and delete those details from here. I want to begin gathering our income tax stuff and see what's missing. And, with any luck, I might be able to entice Mom into a trip to Costco tomorrow. I also want to attempt yet another podcast, this time regarding something that's been on her mind for the last more than a few mornings: Her maternal grandfather and one of her maternal uncles. I'm hoping this will segue into some interesting insights regarding her life as a young woman.
Busy weekend, if things go according to plan. I know, it's Friday, bear with me here; I'm considering this the start of my busy weekend, if things go according to plan.
Later.
"Going to the bathroom?" I asked.
"No, I can't sleep. I'm going into the living room."
"No, you're not. If you get up, I have to get up. And, Mom, I've had a hell of a day. It started early, ended late and I was on my feet for most of it. I have to get up early and run a couple of errands I didn't run today because there were things you wanted to do here. You're going back into your room."
"I'll be fine in the living room."
"You would be if I was there to keep an eye on you. You wouldn't be on your own."
"What am I going to do in my room?" She was miffed.
"What were you planning on doing in the living room?"
"I was going to read." She was indignant.
"You can read in your room."
"Well! What if I want a glass of water!?!"
"You've got water by your bed. Fresh water."
"What if I want something to eat?"
"You've had enough to eat today."
"What if I want to watch TV?"
"Mom, look. I accommodate you all the time. I put aside all kinds of things that I want to do so you can do what you want. Tonight, after a day full of accommodating you, I'm tired. You need to accommodate me. Do you understand?"
Dramatic sigh. "Yes, I understand."
I'm not sure when her light went out. Since it was glaring in my eyes I was unable to sleep for some time. The last time I looked at the clock it was 0145. But, I know she stayed in her room.
Does this sound a little like she's in prison? I can't apologize for this. Most nights, if she's needing to stay up late, I'll either stay up and get back up and allow her to do what she wants. Last night, though, I just couldn't do it.
People talk about the selfishness of the elderly. The truth is, it's not all their fault. It's hard not to accede to your Ancient One's wishes most of the time when you're a caregiver, simply because it's often harder to explain why you can't or won't accede to them then deal with the fall-out. If you've chosen to be a full-time caregiver, as well, it's your job to be available at the behest and whims of your Ancient One's life. This usually works best if you are as generous as possible as unobtrusively as possible. Sometimes, though, it backfires. Sometimes your Ancient One is lead to believe that their desires and needs are primary and unquestionable. At other times, because you as a caregiver have done such a good job of seeing to it that your Ancient One feels (and is) both comfortable and safe in her home, she thinks her safety has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. If she also has Dementia-Lite you'll never be able to convince her otherwise. Sometimes you just have to order her around. If ordering isn't the order of most of your days, it's going to be difficult when, for a few hours, you need to order her around.
She accepted my demand and, as far as I know from the lack of evidence in the rest of the house this morning and the fact that she's sleeping in, she remembered and managed herself according to my demand.
Anyway, time to awaken the Mom. I want to get her hydrated and moving so that her bowels respond to the laxative in a timely manner.
My plans for this weekend, though, starting today, are to do some catching up. I've got loads of half-essays that I want to finish. I want to catch up on stats and delete those details from here. I want to begin gathering our income tax stuff and see what's missing. And, with any luck, I might be able to entice Mom into a trip to Costco tomorrow. I also want to attempt yet another podcast, this time regarding something that's been on her mind for the last more than a few mornings: Her maternal grandfather and one of her maternal uncles. I'm hoping this will segue into some interesting insights regarding her life as a young woman.
Busy weekend, if things go according to plan. I know, it's Friday, bear with me here; I'm considering this the start of my busy weekend, if things go according to plan.
Later.
